[insert witty journal title here]

When thoroughness leads to hilarity.

2009-08-26T03:11:05Z

In World War I, your wounds could either be contused, incised, lacerated, punctured, extensive, multiple, penetrating, perforating, or character and cause not stated. You might have also died of dislocations, contusions, concussions, crushing(s), fractures, gases (deleterious), a gunshot wound of which kind was not stated, strains, or - my personal favorite - traumatic amputations.

Although if you think that's bad, dying on the field of battle may have been better than being in camp with all the people sick with relapsing fever, dysentery (all), erysipelas, trench ever, trench mouth, trench foot, epidemic diseases (others), glanders, anthrax, syphilis (all), gout, goiter (simple), obesity, drug addiction, poising (chronic), Jacksonian epilepsy, shell-shock (cause not given), speech (defective), general paralysis of the insane, malingering, diseases of the eyelids, varicose veins, gangrene of lungs, defects and diseases of the finger and toenails, floating cartilage, loose bodies in joints, and other diseases of the organs of locomotion.

Too soon?

Oh great, I plagiarized (accidentally).

2009-08-15T01:43:20Z

So I was surprised recently to see that someone had commented on my LJ - which is odd because I haven't written a new post in two forevers. The comment was on something from 2006:

http://louielouie14.livejournal.com/18610.html

Basically, someone I don't know is giving me credit for something I didn't write. The upside is that they may have given me the impetus to start posting to my LJ again (my own material, of course).

More weirdo UIS emails...

2009-03-24T16:16:24Z

Women and Gender Studies Presents

Katrina Kimport, PhD Candidate

"Triangles of Violence: Lynching and Homicidal Lesbians

in Nineteenth Century America"

Teaching Demonstration for the LGBTQ Position in WGS & Sociology Position in

UHB 3145

Wednesday, March 25, 3:45-5:00 pm

Katrina Kimport is completing a Ph.D. in Sociology at University of California at Santa Barbara with a Certificate in Women's Studies and has a B.A. from Yale University in Sociology. Kimport's dissertation, "The Meaning of Marriage: A Study of the 2004 San Francisco Same-Sex Weddings," examines same-sex marriage for gendered motivation in terms of individual benefits, cultural meanings, legal benefits, and political action. She has co-authored "Movement Societies and Digital Protest: Fan Activism and Other Non-Political Protest Online" which is forthcoming in Sociological Theory. She has conference presentations to her credit including " If You Want, I Can Show You How to Butch It Up: Insider/Outsider Positionality in Sexuality Research." Her interests include: LGBT families and relationships, social movements and culture.

JOIN US IN WELCOMING AND EVALUATING THIS CANDIDATE

For more information, email: hdell1@uis.edu

Is there a difference between an Introduction, a Forward, and a Preface?

2009-02-12T04:48:53Z

So I just finished the first draft of my introduction for my thesis. Seven pages of chocolaty deliciousness. Okay, so it’s really six pages of chocolaty deliciousness and one page of marshmallowy end notes. Nevertheless, a good ratio.

It feels so good to finally get something down on paper after researching it for over a year now. As usual, I fear that it’s all total rubbish, but I always think that.

My goal is to write drafts of the first and second chapters over my three day weekend. They’re designed to be rather short in comparison to the meat and potatoes that’s coming in chapters three and four, so I should be able to get it done. Plus, I'm bribing myself with a dress from ModCloth if I finish it on time.

Hmm...I must be hungry…otherwise what would explain all the food references?

In other news, I won a research scholarship to go to DC for a few days and poke around the National Library of Medicine. Apparently there is an obscene amount of funds available as my original budget of $700 was deemed too low, as was my revised budget of $1200. My last offer was nearly $1700. For that much money I should be able to hire someone to do the research for me while I walk through the FDR Memorial for the millionth time that weekend.

The scariest school mass-email ever

2009-02-04T23:36:04Z

Needle Disposal

For those who use needles for injections for any reason -

Often we reach in a wastebasket without thinking -

To retrieve a paper we threw away by mistake -

To empty the trash, etc.

you may not see the needle

Someone just disposed of in the wastebasket...

If you receive a needlestick injury you must go through a series of tests over a period of

6 months or longer; you may need to take medication which may not work and

which causes you to be nauseated and feel tired and weak-

Even if the tests are negative.

You may also suffer the tremendous anxiety of not knowing whether you've

Been infected by a life threatening virus - and continue to worry for the 6 months or more of testing -

Imagine if you will, how if feels to think you may have been

Exposed to diseases such as Hepatitis C or HIV

And to be tested periodically over that length of time-

What happens if the tests come back positive?

How would your partner deal with it?

What affect would it have on your family?

Could you sleep at night if you were worried?

What would your life be like?

Please help us prevent needlestick injuries on campus by

Disposing of needles safely.

If you find one, notify your RA, a faculty member or someone

in the UIS Police Department to remove it;

or if it is your needle,

please dispose of it in a hard plastic container

such as a plastic milk jug, etc.

You can bring the used container, to the

Campus Health Service at BSB 20,

Or call us at 206-6676

We'll dispose of them no questions asked.

See, this is what happens when you elect a Nazi pope.

2009-01-29T01:45:06Z

Or: More fodder for Dan Brown's next novel.

Thanks for the Hard-Hitting News, CNN!

2009-01-09T01:16:38Z

http://www.cnn.com/tshirt/?hash=a134b7a3825ea68bb2d4cd479fa1531d&return_uri=http://www.cnn.com/video/%23/video/us/2009/01/07/moos.cute.things.cnn

Wikitravel may be the greatest thing ever

2008-12-19T04:51:05Z

First of all, it's very informative.

Second of all, it's not patroled by a bunch of buzz-kills like Wikipedia is, thus allowing for things such as this to slip through:

"Toronto also has a large homeless population, many of whom will ask you for money. If you do not want to offer them money, simply look the panhandler in the eye and say "not today," "sorry," or simply ignore them. Toronto's homeless tend to live up to expectations of Canadian courtesy and will smile and say, "Oh that's all right; don't worry about it!" On the other hand, they might chase you down the street while barking like a dog, so it's best to be ready for anything."

Oh, and we want jet packs too, damnit!

2008-12-08T04:39:01Z

So I had to print up a review of Grapes of Wrath from when it was published in 1939 for my Great Depression paper. On my copy of a review from the Chicago Tribune there is a side article that I found amusing:

The Tribune's Platform for Illinois and Chicago
-End the Parole Business
-Build Deathproof Highways
-Make Chicago the First City in the World
-Faster Suburban Service
-Up to Date Local Transportation
-A Lake Front Airport
-A motor Ferry to Michigan
-Cut Taxes in Half

How do you go about building a "deathproof highway"?

Don't read this Linda, you damn voyeur!

2008-12-06T19:14:35Z

So seeing as the last time I posted a list of things to accomplish on here I actually got most/all of them done (huh, weird!) I thought I'd try it again:

~~Go to bank~~
~~Mail bills~~
~~Research at Lincoln Presidential Library~~ (Damn microfilm machines make me seasick.)
Write paper for Great Depression class (Got a page and a half from the end and realized I had nothing more to say. But still, good progress overall, eh?)
~~Start laundry~~
~~Clean apartment~~
~~Finish laundry~~
~~Order gifts/holiday cards~~
~~Work out~~
~~Call Grandma~~
Sew button back on coat (Oy, it's one of those weird two sided button ones. Not very good at those...)
~~Put up Christmas tree~~

And by the way Linda (if you made it this far) - just kidding! :)

The things you learn while avoiding homework...

2008-11-23T20:52:36Z

Do you have a salad dressing that shares your surname? I doubt it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_dressing

It does sound kind of gross, though...

If I was ever that big of a dork at USF...I don't want to know.

2008-11-23T03:28:24Z

I’m back in Joliet now. The drive up wasn’t as excruciatingly slow as I thought it would be mostly because I had my new David Sedaris audiobook to keep me company. (I’m on court supervision stemming from a speeding ticket until this coming Wednesday.) I’ve been looking forward to this upcoming week for awhile and not just because I don’t have to work or go to school. (Being a GA kicks so much ass sometimes.) It’ll be nice to see the family and eats load of unhealthy food from Boston Market. My god, the mac and cheese alone would be enough for me to make the trip…

I got to see the house earlier today. They’ve made a lot of progress, but there’s still a ways to go. I guess the new ETA is the first few weeks of January. So much for the contractor bragging that we’d be in before the holidays. The best part is that the house is partially tented, and it sort of looks like a giant jellyfish is attacking the northwest corner.

So I’ve taken the first tenuous steps towards thesisdom. I met with one of my profs to ask her to be my advisor/chair the committee. After I reminded her of my topic (Spanish influenza in Chicago) she was thrilled. Her specialty is medical history and as she said, “I never get anyone who does a medical history thesis!” So that’s good news, I guess: tee up the expectations and hopes nice and high so that I can pile drive them into the ground – “You thought you would enjoy this? Well, we’ll see if you feel the same way after you read my 500th sentence with way to much alliteration in it!” I also stupidly told her I’d write my prospectus over break…so look for that.

School otherwise is going fine this semester in that it is almost over. All year I’ve felt like I’ve had one foot in school and one foot in what was going on at home. I only have a few big papers and a group project standing between me and the Promised Land. (That’s your Jew-joke for the evening.) The group project will be the death of me. I’m stuck with a bunch of underclassmen that live on campus and have this madding urge to meet up at the library every weekend to discuss our topic. Losers.

I also recently triumphed over almost-illness. So go me.

Yeah...why do they bother with remakes???

2008-11-15T00:46:11Z

http://www.ravenstake.com/?Show=Sketches&Episode=100-movie-spoilers-in-5-minutes

So I thought this was pretty amusing: Two guys spoil the endings to 100 movies in under five minutes. Most of these are well known (Darth Vader is Luke's father!) or are from old/more obscure/lame films you might not watch. I enjoyed the spoilers for Meg Ryan movies in particular.

But if you really hate to have the ending spoiled...don't watch it.

They Don't Make Titles Like This Anymore...

2008-11-14T01:52:00Z

...and with good reason.

This is from the title page of a 1883 book we have at our archives:

Conquering the Wilderness;
or
New Pictorial History of the Life and Times
of the
Pioneer Heroes and Heroines
of America:
A Full Account of
The Romantic Deeds, Lofty Achievements
and
Marvelous Adventures
of
Boone, Kenton, Clarke, Logan, Harrod, The Wetzel Brothers, The Bradys, Poe, and Thirty Other Celebrated Frontiersmen and Indian Fighters; Crockett Houston, Kit Carson, Buffalo Bill, Wild Bill, and All the Famous Plainsmen; Graham, Sutter, Marshall, Fremont, Kearney, and Other Historic Names of the Pacific Coast
with
Picturesque Sketches of Border Life, Past and Present; Backwoods Camp Meetings, Schools and Sunday Schools; Heroic Fortitude and Noble Deeds of the
Pioneer Wives and Mothers;
Flatboating; the Overland Route and its Horrors; the Gold Fever and Filibustering Expatiations; Vigilance Committees; Lafitte, Walker, Brigham Young Etc.; Eccentricities and Self-Sacrificing Labors of Cartwright, Axley and Other
Celebrated Pioneer Preachers,
and Describing
Life and Adventure on the Plains and in the Mining Camps of To-Day, Including Hunting, Trapping, Freighting, Ranching, Herding, Post-Trading, Indian Agencies, Scouts, Guides and Desperadoes; Immense Fortunes of Western Millionaires, How Made; Etc., Etc.

By:
Colonel Frank Triplett,
Author of “Sketches of Western Adventure,” “Prospecting, Assaying and Mining,” “The Enchanted Isle,” “Bebe a Norman Idyl,” “The Doctor’s Daughter,” etc., etc.

With 200 Portraits From Life, and Original and Striking Engravings From Designs by Nast, Darley, and Other Eminent Artists

I've got bigger fish to fry...

2008-11-10T23:45:01Z

So I decided to skip class tonight on the condition that I spend the time I would normally be in class (6:00 - 9:30) being productive. And you, gentle reader, are going to keep me honest.

Here's a list of things I want to accomplish tonight. If I don't get them done feel free to admonish me however you see fit.

~~Grocery shopping~~
~~Laundry~~
~~Email professor about missing class~~
~~Email other professor about thesis committee~~
Read Sparknotes for Grapes of Wrath
~~Read/Take notes on books for Great Depression book review~~
~~Post to Great Depression group discussion board~~

EDIT: Ahhhh....that feels good. I should hold myself accountable in public more often.

Someone is going to get an amazing Christmas present this year...

2008-11-07T02:09:09Z

http://www.cnn.com/tshirt/index.html?hash=a6bafec5b772c8a445248a6e511ac553&session_id=

Whatever, white people.

2008-11-06T00:04:13Z

So last night, bored and waiting for the polls to close, I was looking for something to do and I remembered that I had called Joe out for buying a pea coat, and that doing so was white, and that I own four. Curious to find out just how white I really am, I took the current Stuff White People Like List and gave each listing a score of 1-10 based on how much I liked it. And then, after doing some math that will probably prove to be faulty under the slightest scrutiny, I came up with a percentage of how white I am.

The scary thing about this is how many times I gave things relatively high scores even if I had never used/seen/took part in whatever it was being described (such as the show “The Wire” or “Juno” both of which I haven’t seen but scored quite well). In the end I’m not as white as I thought I was, so there is some comfort in that.

* #113 Halloween 9 – Not so much the holiday as just getting to dress up in costume. But since this is really the only holiday that lets you do this, it scores high.

* #112 Hummus 3 – It’s not bad, but I don’t seek it out.

* #111 Pea Coats 9 – I own several.

* #110 Frisbee Sports 1 – Skills I lack combine with the great outdoors, forget it.

* #109 The Onion 9 – Crazy good, especially lately.

* #108 Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music 10 – But I actually enjoy classical music!

* #107 Self Aware Hip Hop References 3 – Is it possible I’m whiter then I think?

* #106 Facebook 10 – Even though I still hate the new design, I’m hooked.

* #105 Unpaid Internships 5 – Everyone I know bitches about their unpaid internship or refuses to take one.

* #104 Girls with Bangs 7 – If you can pull it off, why not?

* #103 Sweaters 9 – How can you not love sweaters?

* #102 Children’s Games as Adults 10 – White people are crazy immature, no argument here.

* #101 Being Offended 9 – Gotta have something to target my rage at.

* #100 Bumper Stickers 5 – I enjoy reading other people’s but would never put one on my car.

* #99 Grammar 9 – Good grammar is hot.

* #98 The Ivy League 4 – I appreciate the Ivy League, but I’m not going to get into it so…

* #97 Scarves 10 – Oui oui!

* #96 New Balance Shoes 1 – Yuck.

* #95 Rugby 1 – If I don’t understand football I doubt I’d be into rugby.

* #94 Free Healthcare 8 – ‘Twould be nice.

* #93 Music Piracy 3 – I used to steal music but not anymore.

* #92 Book Deals 1 – I usually don’t read books where there is a lot of hype about the “book deal” before hand.

* #91 San Francisco 6 – Seems nice enough.

* #90 Dinner Parties 10 – Can I vote higher then 10? I can’t wait to host my first dinner party!

* #89 St. Patrick’s Day 4 – Not Irish, not even on St. Patrick’s Day.

* #88 Having Gay Friends 7 – I like diversity in my friends, even if they’re not all that diverse.

* #87 Outdoor Performance Clothes 4 – Not sure what this is referring to, but seeing as I’m not really that outdoorsy…

* #86 Shorts 2 – I rarely wear shorts.

* #85 The Wire 6 – Never saw it, but I appreciate the work they did.

* #84 T-Shirts 8 – Especially with pithy sayings.

* #83 Bad Memories of High School 9 – God I hated high school.

* #82 Hating Corporations 4 – Should I be hating them more?

* #81 Graduate School 8 – This number prone to fluctuate wildly.

* #80 The Idea of Soccer 2 – Eh, even the idea is boring. Except getting to say GOOOOOAAAAALLLL!

* #79 Modern Furniture 7 – Sleek is stylish.

* #78 Multilingual Children 8 – Would have scored higher but I’m jealous.

* #77 Musical Comedy 2 – I couldn’t even name one musical comedy.

* #76 Bottles of Water 3 – I’ve weaned myself off of them almost completely.

* #75 Threatening to Move to Canada 3 – Never done it and I think people who do it are a bit lame. Toronto is nice, though.

* #74 Oscar Parties 10 – Another on the list of parties I will host someday.

* #73 Gentrification 1 – Eh.

* #72 Study Abroad 9 – Sort of wish I had done this when given the chance but I didn’t want to graduate a year late.

* #71 Being the only white person around 5 – This one makes me lol.

* #70 Difficult Breakups 4 – Not my own, but it’s fun to watch others crash and burn. So mean.

* #69 Mos Def 1 – Who?

* #68 Michel Gondry 1 – Who???

* #67 Standing Still at Concerts 8 – Yeah, you’re not going to catch me dancing.

* #66 Divorce 2 – People like divorce?

* #65 Co-Ed Sports 4 – I guess it can be fun.

* #64 Recycling 6 – I appreciate it, but I don’t do it.

* #63 Expensive Sandwiches 9 – So what if I could make it for a fraction of the price? They served it with a lemon wedge!

* #62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People 8 – Lol.

* #61 Bicycles 7 – I wonder how white people feel about wearing helmets?

* #60 Toyota Prius 9 – Would totally buy one if I could afford it.

* #59 Natural Medicine 1 – Lame.

* #58 Japan 2 – Slightly less lame.

* #57 Juno 7 – Never saw it but it feels like something I would like.

* #56 Lawyers 6 – If only as a source for jokes. (What do you call 100,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.)

* #55 Apologies 7 – Particularly if directed at me.

* #54 Kitchen Gadgets 4 – I don’t cook much.

* #53 Dogs 10 – I am a dog person.

* #52 Sarah Silverman 1 – Not a fan.

* #51 Living by the Water 7 – As long as I don’t have to swim in it.

* #50 Irony 10 – Delicious.

* #49 Vintage 10 – It’s like history + design. How could you not get better then that?

* #48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops 1 – Not my thing.

* #47 Arts Degrees 7 – Much respect to those with art degree…well, most people.

* #46 The Sunday New York Times 6 – I do read it online.

* #45 Asian Fusion Food 8 – Not sure about the fusion part, but I do like Asian food.

* #44 Public Radio 9 – Wait wait…don’t tell me!

* #43 Plays 7 – I enjoy watching them.

* #42 Sushi 5 – It’s okay taste wise. I sorta wish I liked it more.

* #41 Indie Music 9 – If not indie, then not pop crap.

* #40 Apple Products 4 – I know Macs are probably better, but they don’t have to be so smug about it.

* #39 Netflix 4 – Don’t use it; seems harmless enough.

* #38 Arrested Development 6 - Never saw it, but I appreciate the work they did.

* #37 Renovations 8 – Fun!

* #36 Breakfast Places 9 – Hey, I don’t keep the entire IHOP staff from going home just for kicks.

* #35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report 10 – Again, can I rate higher then 10?

* #34 Architecture 8 – I have no reason why, other then I am white.

* #33 Marijuana 1 – No thanks.

* #32 Vegan/Vegetarianism 5 – Like I’ve said before, if it wasn’t for cheeseburgers and chicken fingers…

* #31 Snowboarding 3 – It’s not that impressive.

* #30 Wrigley Field 5 – More for historic reasons then for the Cubs.

* #29 80s Night 5 – Okay I guess. Not really sure what it is…

* #28 Not having a TV 3 – You’re not cool, you’re just annoying.

* #27 Marathons 6 – Could never do it but I respect those who do.

* #26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!) 4 – Chicago is better.

* #25 David Sedaris 9 – F’ing hilarious.

* #24 Wine 9 – F’ing delicious.

* #23 Microbreweries 2 – Not a beer fan.

* #22 Having Two Last Names 8 – Cumbersome but cool.

* #21 Writers Workshops 3 – Don’t really care.

* #20 Being an expert on YOUR culture 7 – I like being an expert on anything.

* #19 Traveling 10 – Love love love.

* #18 Awareness 9 – Awareness is cool.

* #17 Hating their Parents 5 – Yup.

* #16 Gifted Children 3 – After my brief stint in the education department, I’ve come to loathe this phrase.

* #15 Yoga 6 – Seems nice.

* #14 Having Black Friends 7 – I like diversity in my friends, even if they’re not all that diverse.

* #13 Tea 1 – YUCK.

* #12 Non-Profit Organizations 8 – So, museums?

* #11 Asian Girls 3 – Don’t really care. No offense to Asian girls.

* #10 Wes Anderson Movies 3 – Haven’t seen any but the trailers look good. Man, why do all my answers sound like this? I’m so white.

* #9 Making you feel bad about not going outside 1 – I don’t go outside that much.

* #8 Barack Obama 10 – As I write this, I’m watching the election results so hopefully by the time I post this, I will be a white person who likes President Elect Obama.

* #7 Diversity 9 – I have diversity t-shirt! Damn!

* #6 Organic Food 6 – Schmeh.

* #5 Farmer’s Markets 5 – Double schmeh.

* #4 Assists 9 – See: My entire junior high basketball career.

* #3 Film Festivals 4 – Sounds nice.

* #2 Religions their parents don’t belong to 10 – Sorry, mom.

* #1 Coffee 7 – The conveniently located, free-refilling coffee shop by my office has gotten me hooked.

Result: 58.3% white

Things Learned From Watching Election Night Coverage

2008-11-05T05:50:42Z

-James Carville is quite possibly the scariest looking person in the world.

-You can call a state with 0% of the vote in and 0% precincts reporting.

-If the phrase “swing state” is never uttered again, I’m totally okay with it.

-The phrase “Obama will take Massachusetts,” doesn’t really warrant the reporter saying “Wow!”

-The Phoenix Boys Choir doesn’t really compete with a hundred thousand screaming people in Grant Park.

-References to the Alamo are always appreciated.

-It’s only a matter of time before the giant touch screen computers over at CNN achieve self-awareness.

-Apparently, Americans are too stupid to know what blue and red represent on the map.

-Anderson Cooper got a hair cut. (Is it creepy that I can tell that?)

-Single issue voters (particularly those who vote solely on the abortion issue) are morons.

-The phrase “Let’s go to Wolf,” will never sound normal.

-Just because you have the technology doesn’t mean you should use it. (Interviews with holograms? Really, CNN?)

-No one summed up the vibe over at McCain HQ better then Samantha Bee who referred to it as an “Escher-like hellscape.”

I should probably check the fridge, too....

2008-10-26T04:14:17Z

So you know how some people have that thing where they sleepwalk and go raid the fridge and in the morning have no memory of it? I think I have that only with adjusting my thermostat. Thursday night I woke up around 2 AM and felt ridiculously hot – flash forward seven hours and I’m sleeping in just a nightshirt, no blankets and freezing to death. I get up to look at the thermostat and it’s pegged to the lowest temperature possible. The exact opposite thing happened last night (only I went from cold to hot). The thing is, I don’t remember getting up in the middle of the night to change the setting.

My electric bill for the month should be interesting.

I should probably check the fridge, too...

2008-10-26T04:12:56Z

My electric bill for the month should be interesting.

Things overheard in my Great Depression class whilst discussing the 1936 Presidential Election

2008-09-17T03:17:49Z

"Hey...wasn't that the year McCain was born?"

And remember, it's illegal to not stop at 'EAT'

2008-05-25T21:15:18Z

As I was watching MST3K’s Girl in Gold Boots this morning (“Shouldn’t we be in individual booths for this one?” - Tom Servo) a thought occurred to me: I really enjoy shows where funny people watch video clips and then make funny comments about them. For example, MST3K, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and The Soup would all qualify. Weird but funny and that’s all that matters.

I’m finished with school for the semester. Summer school starts up June 2. I’m taking “The Roaring 20’s,” an online class that I guess is going to have lots of cool multimedia stuff, like silent movies and music from the era. I bet it will be the cat’s pajamas. (That phrase is from the 20’s, right?) Last semester went really well – it was quite the challenge but I’m very pleased with my grades and work. I just have to make sure I stay on the ball this summer so that I can get a good chunk of my thesis finished.

Spelunking this weekend! Woo-hoo! Then spending the first week of June in Joliet. A good start to the summer, no?

Chocolate Jesus!

2008-03-23T05:25:41Z

1. If I had a dime for every...
time my coworker detailed her son’s bowl movements, I could stuff all those dimes into my ears and never have to listen to her explain the intricacies of toddler diarrhea again!!!

2. If I could catch a star I’d...
probably not do it. Those things are kinda big. I mean, isn’t the Sun one of the smaller ones?

3. If you saw me cry you’d...
say, “Who are you and what have you done with Nicole?”

4. If you could read my eyes they’d tell you...
that I might have glaucoma. In fact, if you could just look at them and tell me that would be great and save me a trip to the eye doctor.

5. If I could go back 5 years I would...
look forward to getting the hell out of high school.

6. If you saw me walking...
down the street and I start to cry, each time we meet, walk on by, walk on by, foolish pride! (It’s a Seal song…sorry.)

7. If I could fly, I’d fly to...
Easter Island! Long trip but totally worth it!

8. If I had a black cat cross in front of me, I’d...
not care. It’d probably just be one of the strays that roam around UIS.

9. If I could live in the Big Apple I’d...
more than likely move to Chicago instead!

10. If I had to leave my soulmate I’d...
not be too concerned since I don’t believe in soul mates.

11. If I could be a movie star I’d be...
any one that gets to work with Tom Hanks/James McAvoy/Clive Owen (Sand, Jeanne, sand!)

12. If I did a trick it would be...
to seemingly detach the upper part of my thumb from the lower part using only my other hand. Spooooky.

13. If I had half a million I’d...
tell my mom to quit her job, pay off my parents house, pay off my loans/bills, give a bunch to charity, then if there was anything left (and depending on the value of the dollar abroad) save the rest or travel.

14. If I only could only pick 6 things in the house to have for 1 year, it would be...
toilet, shower, refrigerator, stove, computer, and a California King-sized bed. Yeesh, that was hard.

15. If I really could have a dream come true it would be...
to get my PhD. Oh, and a job. That would help.

16. If Hilary is elected president...
I would be disappointed because I don’t think she’s the right person for the job and I’m pulling for Obama. (Oh and JR, could you be more of a Tom Coursey with your answer?)

17. If the drinking age was lowered...
it wouldn’t affect me. But it shouldn’t be. I think they should raise it!

18. If aliens really do exist...
then I’ll know my X-Files obsession really does serve some larger purpose (other than making me paranoid of the government…and bees.)

19. If school wasn’t required...
there would be a lot of aimless people in the world. So you know, not that much different.

20. If SocialSplash.com takes over MySpace.com...
I really won’t be effected in the least?

21. If I am what I eat...
I am progressively becoming a healthier hunk of food.

22. If I am rubber and you are glue...
we would make one strange couple!

23. If I ruled the world...
we would all be in serious trouble.

24. If dogs are a man’s best friend...
then cats are the spawn of Satan. Mmmm…yeah, I think that holds up.

25. If time heals all wounds...
then why do we need doctors? That gaping chest wound will just seal itself up if you wait it out!

26. If I won the lottery...
I would be shocked since I don’t play the lottery. Probably beat up some hobo for his ticket. Ooh, that’s bad karma right there.

27. If actions speak louder than words...
I should really punch people in the face more often.

28. If I died today...
What are you saying? Do you know something I don’t know?

A Joke.

2008-02-02T19:17:03Z

The Devil comes to a writer and says, “I will make you the best writer of your generation. Never mind generation – of this century. No – this millennium! Not only the best, but the most famous, and also the richest; in addition to that, you will be very influential and your glory will endure for ever. All you have to do is sell me your grandmother, your mother, your wife, your kids, your dog and your soul.”

“Sure,” says the writer, “Absolutely – give me the pen, where do I sign?” Then he hesitates. “Just a minute,” he says. “What’s the catch?"

Staab...Polk...Ow.

2008-01-27T05:17:12Z

It's a little hard to read, but the bottom says, "Not Associated with Staab Funeral Home, Springfield"